Thoughts

Hmmmm seems like a going trend that I come back here when I've got things on my mind.  Guess that's why I named this thing "Welcome to my mind"!! So suitable...

Think I'm just going to lay it all out there and see if I'm able to have some self realization or something that will push me in the right direction.

Where to begin... Well let's get some back story going.  A few months ago, my gf and I had a talk.  It wasn't the best of talks but basically it was definitely about me.  Now I know I'm definitely not the best guy in the world and there are flaws within me.  One of those things is definitely my ways of communication.  Where people find one thing standard in a relationship, I don't... and that's very bad.

This then led to a discussion about her feelings towards how much I really cared about this relationship.  She told me that actions speak louder than words when I told her that I do care about her but she wanted me to show it.  Again, a reasonable request.  What she wants is a partner who will be there for her, take her out on dates at restaurants, do new activities.

Now I forget if this talk came before or after the initial talk, by the way we've had probably 3 talks in the past 4-5 months or so.  But this one kind of bugs me but then i'm not sure about it.  So situation is a little weird.  She's still in school studying very hard and it's very tiring on her.  With school, there are exams and exam periods.  During those times, she's pretty much a hermit and studies a whole lot.  I guess for some reason or another, during her studying, she would obviously want to take breaks.  Instead of messaging me and talk y'know about anything, she decided it would be better to go on POF and reply to messages from randoms.  Her reasoning was that she could take breaks whenever and just message at her own convenience.  When she told me I sort of had mixed feelings about this but decided that it is ok for her to message these people just to talk but I'd draw the line at meeting up with these people.  Here's the kicker, she had already made plans to see some dude.  Being who I am, I don't know why I said it, but I told her that the only way that it'd be ok would be if she met him while in a group setting with other friends.  I think that was a reasonable request.  Next day she tells me she's meeting up with dude and ONE of her friends... That's hardly a group... If you're going to bring one person why not just bring me.

Issue #1:  Communications
Like I said, i'm horrible with communications, conversations, and basically anything that comes out of my mouth.  Things like, letting my gf know where I am, if i'm hanging out with the guys, going to dodgeball, or just pounding a few back watching TV or something.  I've talked to some people about this and they look at me and go "dude... you gotta check in with the gf man.. it's not that she's trying to control you, but it's nice to know where you are once in a while".  I get that.. and I've been trying to make a conscious effort in doing this.

Issue #2:  Caring
Thinking back on everything she's told me... I am a very terrible bf.  Just writing the blurb up top really made me think about it and seriously we do not get out enough as a couple.  We go hang out with friends usually but very rarely on our own.  It's either we hang out at her place, my place, with friends or with family.  If you really looked at it, i'd pretty much label us as best friends at best.  This is definitely something that needs to be worked on.  More effort will need to be put in by me for this to work out that's for sure.

Issue #3:  Distraction?
I'm not sure what to make of this one.  I find that i'm a pretty relaxed and trusting guy.  I'm pretty sure nothing has happened with these other people on POF but there definitely might be stuff brewing there.  People have told me that I should have been firm and blew shit all out of proportions when she told me about it.  I'm sure whoever reads this would be yelling the same into the screen.  I dont' know... I'm a little indifferent about this issue.  On the one hand I trust her but on the other do I really trust her.  Is this a sign that she's already out the door.

Issue #4:  Status
Sort of tying into the last issue.  A friend of mine is on the same site as her, and noticed that her status for "seeking" was set to "wants to date but nothing serious".  Now... I know about the account which I explained above but I didn't know that's what her setting was.  I feel like I should have looked up her profile when she told me to see her settings but I didn't.  I trusted her to have y'know a fair account with the right information in there.  I recently went to check and there is an option for "Not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment".  I dunno, it could just be a mistake in that she wanted to network with people and that's why she picked it but still.. I don't agree with that.

What ever to do... I kind of like this way of getting things out.  Definitely helps me get all my thoughts down and can think about it and refer back to my thoughts.  I definitely had the self-realization that in some aspects of a relationship, i'm pretty bad in.  I don't think I used to be like this back in high school.  What ever happened to that guy in high school...