Death of an era

So the inevitable happened.  Time has run out on what I thought would have been the rest of my life. I won't lie, it's pretty shitty to have broken up after close to 4 years together.  I guess now I get how people who have been together for a while can suddenly part ways.

I know from my point of view that I screwed up most of my parts in this relationship and that was definitely a driving factor in the break up.  Then I got to talking with some friends and some of them are trying to defend me by questioning actions that she has done in the months leading up to the break up.  A big one was definitely the POF stuff explained in the previous post.  To add to that, she also went on Tinder eventually as well.  Sure as hell Tinder was not built to be a networking application.  As such, they've gone ahead and questioned if there was someone else in her life that she may have gotten attached to or something.  This could very well be it, but i'm too afraid to ask and i'm not sure if I really want to know.  On the flip side, if it was another guy, it would totally help me get through this rut and instead of beating myself up, it'd just convert to anger and just motivate me more to push past all of this.  But short of becoming an overly attached ex-bf, I really doubt i'll ever find out unless someone decides to leak this information out to me.

Another good theory that a friend came up with was that the surrounding friends that she hangs out with constantly remind her of things that she isn't getting with our relationship.  For example let's say her friends are all out dating and telling her stories of some wacky adventures they've gone on and then compare it to our relationship.  This may change her perception of how she wants a relationship to be and therefore turns and asks me to do this, that and the other all at once.

So many different reasons that could have caused this but I think one of these two in combination with my screw ups were probably the driving force.

Apart from that, I think i'm doing pretty well.  If I can offer any advice to someone who is going through the same thing as me, it definitely helps to have a good set of friends to hang out with and chat.  I wouldn't necessarily say that drinking is a good solution simply because that is a depressant and honestly when you're down, you don't need to be further downed.  I've avoided getting piss drunk for that very reason and most likely if I were to reach that level, i'm sure I would do something extremely stupid.

Oh and going to the gym is a great way to get your mind off things.  I've probably gone to the gym at least 5-7 times in the past 2 weeks and it helps tire me out.

That is all I really have to say right now.  Until next time when my brain needs to talk!

Thoughts

Hmmmm seems like a going trend that I come back here when I've got things on my mind.  Guess that's why I named this thing "Welcome to my mind"!! So suitable...

Think I'm just going to lay it all out there and see if I'm able to have some self realization or something that will push me in the right direction.

Where to begin... Well let's get some back story going.  A few months ago, my gf and I had a talk.  It wasn't the best of talks but basically it was definitely about me.  Now I know I'm definitely not the best guy in the world and there are flaws within me.  One of those things is definitely my ways of communication.  Where people find one thing standard in a relationship, I don't... and that's very bad.

This then led to a discussion about her feelings towards how much I really cared about this relationship.  She told me that actions speak louder than words when I told her that I do care about her but she wanted me to show it.  Again, a reasonable request.  What she wants is a partner who will be there for her, take her out on dates at restaurants, do new activities.

Now I forget if this talk came before or after the initial talk, by the way we've had probably 3 talks in the past 4-5 months or so.  But this one kind of bugs me but then i'm not sure about it.  So situation is a little weird.  She's still in school studying very hard and it's very tiring on her.  With school, there are exams and exam periods.  During those times, she's pretty much a hermit and studies a whole lot.  I guess for some reason or another, during her studying, she would obviously want to take breaks.  Instead of messaging me and talk y'know about anything, she decided it would be better to go on POF and reply to messages from randoms.  Her reasoning was that she could take breaks whenever and just message at her own convenience.  When she told me I sort of had mixed feelings about this but decided that it is ok for her to message these people just to talk but I'd draw the line at meeting up with these people.  Here's the kicker, she had already made plans to see some dude.  Being who I am, I don't know why I said it, but I told her that the only way that it'd be ok would be if she met him while in a group setting with other friends.  I think that was a reasonable request.  Next day she tells me she's meeting up with dude and ONE of her friends... That's hardly a group... If you're going to bring one person why not just bring me.

Issue #1:  Communications
Like I said, i'm horrible with communications, conversations, and basically anything that comes out of my mouth.  Things like, letting my gf know where I am, if i'm hanging out with the guys, going to dodgeball, or just pounding a few back watching TV or something.  I've talked to some people about this and they look at me and go "dude... you gotta check in with the gf man.. it's not that she's trying to control you, but it's nice to know where you are once in a while".  I get that.. and I've been trying to make a conscious effort in doing this.

Issue #2:  Caring
Thinking back on everything she's told me... I am a very terrible bf.  Just writing the blurb up top really made me think about it and seriously we do not get out enough as a couple.  We go hang out with friends usually but very rarely on our own.  It's either we hang out at her place, my place, with friends or with family.  If you really looked at it, i'd pretty much label us as best friends at best.  This is definitely something that needs to be worked on.  More effort will need to be put in by me for this to work out that's for sure.

Issue #3:  Distraction?
I'm not sure what to make of this one.  I find that i'm a pretty relaxed and trusting guy.  I'm pretty sure nothing has happened with these other people on POF but there definitely might be stuff brewing there.  People have told me that I should have been firm and blew shit all out of proportions when she told me about it.  I'm sure whoever reads this would be yelling the same into the screen.  I dont' know... I'm a little indifferent about this issue.  On the one hand I trust her but on the other do I really trust her.  Is this a sign that she's already out the door.

Issue #4:  Status
Sort of tying into the last issue.  A friend of mine is on the same site as her, and noticed that her status for "seeking" was set to "wants to date but nothing serious".  Now... I know about the account which I explained above but I didn't know that's what her setting was.  I feel like I should have looked up her profile when she told me to see her settings but I didn't.  I trusted her to have y'know a fair account with the right information in there.  I recently went to check and there is an option for "Not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment".  I dunno, it could just be a mistake in that she wanted to network with people and that's why she picked it but still.. I don't agree with that.

What ever to do... I kind of like this way of getting things out.  Definitely helps me get all my thoughts down and can think about it and refer back to my thoughts.  I definitely had the self-realization that in some aspects of a relationship, i'm pretty bad in.  I don't think I used to be like this back in high school.  What ever happened to that guy in high school...

Sports!!

Second blog in a month.  Not bad if I do say so myself!!

I've come to realize that my life has revolved quite heavily around physical activities.  Whether it be sports, physical labor, or just the gym.  I absolutely love doing all of the above and wouldn't mind trying something new that would involve some sort of strength.

But what happens when I can't do these things anymore?  What will happen to me when I am not physically able to do it?

This has just recently crossed my mind as I've been trying to battle my way to recovering from some lower back pains that I can't seem to shake.  I know there isn't a miracle pill that will get rid of all the pain (besides tylenol) for good.  It bothers me that someday I won't be able to play all the sports I'd like to play.  It bothers me that this could affect playing with my future children.

I've gone to Chiropractors, Physiotherapists, Massage therapists and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  Had some conversations with my girlfriend who's currently trying to be a Chiropractors (GO SWTIE GO!) and from her studies and knowledge, she thinks my muscles are tight and I may have a nerve that is pinched.  Been trying to stretch as often as I can but so far, not much has changed.  I'll continue to keep stretching but I have a feeling that my extracurricular activities (mainly dodgeball) are contributing to this chronic pain.

I've never felt old before but this really makes me feel old.  I totally wish I was wolverine and could simply heal myself. 

Welcome back!

Every so often I stumble on someone else's blog and then I remember that I have a blog of my own and then feel the need to update it and do up a post!

This time I was on facebook and a friend's post showed up on my newsfeed and decided to see what she's been up to.  That led to me stumbling upon her blog which then sparked me to write this.

To be honest I never know what to write when I blog.  I feel as if there isn't much in my life that I experience that can illicit a blog post.  There are a few things that happen here and there with me but naturally everything is pretty much routine.  I've been drawn into a habit and a routine that is quite consistent and very rarely do I deviate from this.  Probably why i'm such a boring person to be around (at least in my opinion).

I think I will try and make an effort to be more sociable but its tough to do that when you don't have much to talk about!  But I guess you have to start somewhere!  It also matters the type of crowd that you're in as well.  The people you are around are vital to carrying on a good conversation.

Anyways... Onward to the blog!

I'm just looking back at my last post and it was pretty much a year ago.  I think almost every time I come back to this blog, I vow to be a more active blogger... As you can tell I very much fail at being consistent with blogs.

I never found the attraction to blogging.  I guess since i'm not much of a reader or writer, this doesn't really fit into my schedule as much.  Takes me a while to think of words to put down and it takes a while to explain situations on these things.  Also I guess there isn't much of a base of "customers" checking out the blog and providing feedback so doesn't make me want to continue on.

Ah well... I guess i'll just write down a quick coles notes of my life in the past year just to bring everything up to speed.

Since the last post on July 25th 2012, I honestly can't remember everything that has happened!! I've had the pleasure of being with my girlfriend for 2 years back in May, met a few new friends at work such as Ed and Ayinde whilst also meeting up with people who have worked with us before but went off to school or something.  Acquired a new job as an Operations Technician and actually will be moving to another job shortly titled Forensic Data Examiner.

A lot of friends that I know have moved out and bought their own places.  Makes me jealous that they have their own place but i'm still waiting for mine to be built.  Stupid thing ain't even a hole in the ground yet!  At least the first building of the whole project has been erected and it's now just waiting for mine to be built.  Expected completion date is April of 2015.  According to my calculations, that's about a year and a half but most likely it'll be 2 years.

Well anyways I think that's all I'll write for now.  Simply because I cannot remember everything that has happened in the last year and a half.

-J

Day 2

Damn today was such a long day.  Problems here and there at work, people won't leave me alone and keep calling for help, it was absolutely ridiculous today!

Thank goodness i'll be going to sleep after this post.  Let's see... Daily summary of what went on today...

Retarded people kept calling at work today (but that's nothing unusual), had to go set up a bunch of things for people, had one interesting question today that I couldn't answer but have found the answer now.  Makes me feel bad since i'm in IT and didn't know the answer to this one.

So basically an ad was deleted off of kijiji recently and someone needed to get back to it but since it was deleted it's gone from the web site.  How do you get to the cached mode to find it again?  Rattled my brain for a good while.  Do you know the answer?

The basic answer was to search up on google as many of the words as possible for the ad and then open in cached mode.  It typically recalls what it was around 24 hours ago.  So as long as you get back to it within a day or so, you can recover it.  Meanwhile I was looking through the temporary internet files which I couldn't find jack shit.  Ah well... At least now I know what to do.

Had to take a nap today after work because I was so tired.  That means I didn't end up cooking anything fancy today for dinner.  Just had some congee with some vegetables in it and had some left overs from take out a few days ago so just ate all of that.  Fridge is slowly getting emptier!!

Might have to go grocery shopping over the weekend so I have enough food to last me over the next week.  Hmmmmm... what to buy...

Day 1

Looks like the parents have left for their adventures to Taiwan!  That leaves me with a house and my sister.

Not much planned today though.  After work decided to come on home and chill and cook some fried rice!!  Iron chef Jon is here!! Well in training with no teacher =)

Decided to make the same style that my mom usually cooks which includes:
-  Hot dogs
-  Celery
-  Ground beef
-  Eggs

Cut up the celery into stalks and make them smaller so they're somewhat bite sized.  I need some work on my knife skills.  Perhaps I need to enlist the help of Shirley!!  Maybe she'll one day tell me the secret to making jerk pork!!!

Anyways after that time to cut up the hot dogs!  Om nom nom!  Let's just say that some of the hot dog pieces did not make it into the final product because they're in my stomach now!

 So I decided to start putting everything together!  Pan fried the hot dogs, made the scrambled eggs, and boiled the celery.

Finished the celery and looked over at the rice I had out.  Hadn't dawned on me that I should heat up the rice so that they're not hard like rocks when I cook it.  Shit...  Everything else is here and I forgot to prep the main ingredient... RICE!!   What a noob!!

Oh well... At least this gives me time to check on my internet stuff before cooking again.  I'll know next time!!  Wonder what I should cook tomorrow.  Let's check what's in the fridge and work off of that.  Have to try and finish whatever groceries are in the fridge and freezer so I can make room for other stuff!

Welcome back Jon!

Haha! So my last post was like NEW YEARS!! Guess I should step up the pace!!

So my new years resolutions... let's recap!

1) Save up enough to purchase a condo
2) Fix my CRX (finish the interior)
3) Budget my finances better
4) Set up a regiment for the gym (4 times a week for at LEAST 6 months)
5) Become a better communicator
6) Get my A+ certification

1) Ongoing
2) Waiting for warmer weather
3) So far so good
4) FAIL
5) I think it's going alright... Still don't know what to say to people i've just met but at least I attempt to talk to them even if I have nothing interesting to say... Damn i'm such a boring guy...
6) Yea iunno about this one... hahaah

So there has been a few major things that I would like to get done this summer. They aren't considered a new years resolution but more like projects.

1) Repair the driveway
2) Redo the main bathroom in my house
3) Fix a Datsun 240z

Now I have no idea how the hell I'm going to manage my time with all this as well as look for a condo but i'm pretty confident that I can do it. It'll take a lot of work and it'll keep me busy but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

In other news, my dodgeball team came in 2nd!!! Very super proud of us considering this team was just thrown together via coworkers and friends. Unfortunately we lost to a team called GutterBallaz. They are very coordinated and were amazing! Kudoz to them!

Best part of the season was by far the playoffs when we totally destroyed this team that was talking smack to us a few games prior to the playoffs. It was very rewarding to beat a team like that. We ended up winning a best of 5 game 3-0. I think the whole team ended up stepping up their game for that game for SURE. Hmm I need to write an e-mail!!